My blogging life these days has been far from thriving. But the past month and a half, I think it has reached an all new low.
I just have no idea what to say.
I know that not many people read my little blog - but I do know one girl who does: Julie. And she is the reason for the fact that I do not know what to say; and not just in this blog, but in real life too. The past few weeks have been a whirl wind of me just not having any idea what to say.
I remember getting the phone call from Julie explaining her little girl, Ayla's critical state. I cried with her as she told me the awful news. And that was probably the moment when I began having no idea what to say... and really, deep down, I know there is nothing that I can say to take away her hurt.
The 25th of December rolled around and, granted the reason I didn't write Haven's monthly update initially was because of busy-ness. But soon, the reasons changed. Because the truth is that I have no idea how to talk about all of my child's accomplishments, when I know that my sweet friend Julie will never again be able to do the same in this life for her baby Ayla.
My thoughts cannot turn from her and the pain that she is undoubtedly suffering.
One year ago I wrote a blog for Julie. She had just found out that she was expecting and had asked for me to write her a letter containing advice for motherhood.
So very much has changed for her since then.
I have watched her face her sweet baby's death with a combination of grace and uninhibited faith that is inspiring to me. Julie is truly among the most wonderful of people that I have ever had the blessing of knowing.
So today, I dedicate this blog to Julie:
One year ago I gave you advice on how to be a wonderful mother. Today I feel that I have learned far more from you, than you ever could have learned from me. You have taught me what it means to have faith - even when the outcome is not at all what we so desperately wished it could have been.
Ayla is so blessed to have you as her Mommy.
Some of my memories of Ayla:
Three weeks ago I said goodbye to sweet Ayla. She had machines surrounding her. She looked so angelic and peaceful. I knew she did not have many days left on this earth... and that it would be the last time I ever saw her in this life. I walked away from that hospital room with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart.
On January 15, 2013, sweet little Ayla left this earthly world.
I will never forget the image as I slowly drove out of the cemetery on the day of Ayla's funeral and watched as Julie stood beside Ayla's tiny pink casket. There are few things in my life that have been as difficult to witness.
My heart is broken for my dear friend. I know that there is nothing in this life - no amount of kind words, no amount of warm hugs - that will ever fill the void that is in her heart where Ayla's earthly presence once was.
This is why my heart is filled with joy when I think of that beautiful, wonderful day when I will be able to see that void be filled as Julie's heart is healed completely and she and her baby girl are together once again.
I know that they will be together again someday <3
"But there is a resurrection, therefore the grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ."
- Mosiah 16:8